I am a recent inductee into the world of Internet dating. I spent a large part of my twenties and thirties in self-imposed dating isolation, for several reasons, not the least which was some pseudo-Catholic guilt and the pursuit of multiple college degrees. Little did I know but the dating world was undergoing an accelerating revolution that directly correlates with the creation, implementation and mass adoption of computer technology. In short, one might say I am lamenting the fall of manners, etiquette and old-fashioned courtship.
Back in the olden days, before the advent of Blackberries, text messaging and cell phones, PDA’s meant Public Displays of Affection. The above-mentioned blackberries were something that grew wild in the woods behind our houses and we munched on frequently when we walked home from school. You remember those days? Boys told you they liked you by pulling your hair and then writing you a geometrically correct written note. Granted back in the ole days, one had a certain amount of delay in gratification: i.e. one had to wait until after school to get the obligatory breathless phone call. God help the parents who did not have call-waiting. Now a boy / guy / man can text you in seconds: “RU THERE? IMO UR HOT! LYKYAMY!” From hastily written notes slipped between colorful paper book covered text books: “I heard from Jane, who heard from Amber that Johnny likes you!” to communication at light speed. Not since the days of Elizabeth I and courtly love, complete with flowers , poetry, song and dance has a generation of men been more loquacious in their desire for female companionship, albeit, in code.
So what does this mean for me, you may be asking? Well, for one thing, I am completely lost, up the proverbial creek without a paddle. Seriously, I have to consult books to point me in the right direction and translate 21st century moves for a brain stuck in 1989. What are the rules for the first date, again? What are we not supposed to talk about again? THERE ARE RULES ABOUT WHAT TO EAT?!?!?!? (Although, in all honesty the eating rules have always been around, but now new meanings new variations exist). Who knew that we as a dating culture, we would move from women being expected to eat lettuce leaves and lemons, are now expected to eat steak (but not too much steak).
Seriously, this new code, this new language, this new map of etiquette, expectations, excursions and exclamations sometimes feels like a foreign language. Is it no wonder there are books available bookstores “He’s Just Not That into You” and “Internet Dating for Dummies”? When you think about it the first date, in any epoch has always been akin to a final exam. Who among us has not developed a standard list of questions and answers to the standard first date repartee? (My married friends are all cringing right now thinking to themselves: There for the grace of God, go I, thank God, I don’t have to do that crap any more…”) Now, however, the final exam has changed formats from “Fill in the bubbles with your #2 pencil” To:
“Check the box that corresponds with the correct answer with your cursor. You will not be able to go back once you click enter. Server Error 505 has occurred. You have now completed and failed the exam. Please see proctor for window to reschedule exam. You will receive email confirmation that you HAVE FAILED.” Am I to blame for wanting to hide under the covers with a cat or two as I contemplate my lack of Internet connection?
Don’t get me wrong, I desire to have a significant relationship. Of course, in my heart of hearts, I want the white picket fence and the 2.5 children. Let’s not lie to ourselves: we have all been spoon-fed the American Dream. There are days when the smell of an adorable little rugrat child is positively addicting. So I pursue on. I will continue to pursue the goal (amended of course to fit reality: i.e Do I really want to get married, in the face of increased divorce rates, escalating child-rearing costs and college tuition?) Can’t I just spoil my niece instead, and keep Him (my as yet undiscovered significant other) on speed dial? Regardless of my particular interpretation of the American Dream (which is evolving as we speak), pardon me while I surreptitiously consult my Text Messaging Lingo to English Pocket Dictionary,
Oh and by the way: http://www.netlingo.com/emailsh.cfm
Have a great day!
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