I am a recent inductee into the world of Internet dating. I spent a large part of my twenties and thirties in self-imposed dating isolation, for several reasons, not the least which was some pseudo-Catholic guilt and the pursuit of multiple college degrees. Little did I know but the dating world was undergoing an accelerating revolution that directly correlates with the creation, implementation and mass adoption of computer technology. In short, one might say I am lamenting the fall of manners, etiquette and old-fashioned courtship.
Back in the olden days, before the advent of Blackberries, text messaging and cell phones, PDA’s meant Public Displays of Affection. The above-mentioned blackberries were something that grew wild in the woods behind our houses and we munched on frequently when we walked home from school. You remember those days? Boys told you they liked you by pulling your hair and then writing you a geometrically correct written note. Granted back in the ole days, one had a certain amount of delay in gratification: i.e. one had to wait until after school to get the obligatory breathless phone call. God help the parents who did not have call-waiting. Now a boy / guy / man can text you in seconds: “RU THERE? IMO UR HOT! LYKYAMY!” From hastily written notes slipped between colorful paper book covered text books: “I heard from Jane, who heard from Amber that Johnny likes you!” to communication at light speed. Not since the days of Elizabeth I and courtly love, complete with flowers , poetry, song and dance has a generation of men been more loquacious in their desire for female companionship, albeit, in code.
So what does this mean for me, you may be asking? Well, for one thing, I am completely lost, up the proverbial creek without a paddle. Seriously, I have to consult books to point me in the right direction and translate 21st century moves for a brain stuck in 1989. What are the rules for the first date, again? What are we not supposed to talk about again? THERE ARE RULES ABOUT WHAT TO EAT?!?!?!? (Although, in all honesty the eating rules have always been around, but now new meanings new variations exist). Who knew that we as a dating culture, we would move from women being expected to eat lettuce leaves and lemons, are now expected to eat steak (but not too much steak).
Seriously, this new code, this new language, this new map of etiquette, expectations, excursions and exclamations sometimes feels like a foreign language. Is it no wonder there are books available bookstores “He’s Just Not That into You” and “Internet Dating for Dummies”? When you think about it the first date, in any epoch has always been akin to a final exam. Who among us has not developed a standard list of questions and answers to the standard first date repartee? (My married friends are all cringing right now thinking to themselves: There for the grace of God, go I, thank God, I don’t have to do that crap any more…”) Now, however, the final exam has changed formats from “Fill in the bubbles with your #2 pencil” To:
“Check the box that corresponds with the correct answer with your cursor. You will not be able to go back once you click enter. Server Error 505 has occurred. You have now completed and failed the exam. Please see proctor for window to reschedule exam. You will receive email confirmation that you HAVE FAILED.” Am I to blame for wanting to hide under the covers with a cat or two as I contemplate my lack of Internet connection?
Don’t get me wrong, I desire to have a significant relationship. Of course, in my heart of hearts, I want the white picket fence and the 2.5 children. Let’s not lie to ourselves: we have all been spoon-fed the American Dream. There are days when the smell of an adorable little rugrat child is positively addicting. So I pursue on. I will continue to pursue the goal (amended of course to fit reality: i.e Do I really want to get married, in the face of increased divorce rates, escalating child-rearing costs and college tuition?) Can’t I just spoil my niece instead, and keep Him (my as yet undiscovered significant other) on speed dial? Regardless of my particular interpretation of the American Dream (which is evolving as we speak), pardon me while I surreptitiously consult my Text Messaging Lingo to English Pocket Dictionary,
Oh and by the way: http://www.netlingo.com/emailsh.cfm
Have a great day!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
How to Become a Nun
How to Become a Nun
By eHow Health Editor
Rate: (7 Ratings)
The decision to become a nun is a life changing commitment. Therefore, the process you must undergo in order to fill the position is quite lengthy and intense and generally requires giving up all romantic relationships and material goods.
Instructions
Difficulty: Moderate
Step1Evaluate your current lifestyle to see if you are eligible to become a nun. In order to become a nun, a woman must be an unmarried virgin. If you are divorced, it is required that your marriage have been annulled by the Catholic Church, meaning the church has officially recognized it as null and void.
By eHow Health Editor
Rate: (7 Ratings)
The decision to become a nun is a life changing commitment. Therefore, the process you must undergo in order to fill the position is quite lengthy and intense and generally requires giving up all romantic relationships and material goods.
Instructions
Difficulty: Moderate
Step1Evaluate your current lifestyle to see if you are eligible to become a nun. In order to become a nun, a woman must be an unmarried virgin. If you are divorced, it is required that your marriage have been annulled by the Catholic Church, meaning the church has officially recognized it as null and void.
Ok, unmarried, check. Virgin: ummm, troublesome. I wonder if the Catholic churce can annull one's sexual history. i.e. Restore one's, cough, cough, hymen. Just a thought. Something to look into.
Step2Graduate from college. Most religious orders require a college education, at minimum in the form of a bachelor's degree. This is particularly true for orders that offer education services within their communities to children or the general public. It may be necessary to have concentrated your studies on religion.
Degrees: check, check, and check.
Step3Choose a religious order that best aligns with your own personal mission to serve God. There are a variety of different groups of nuns with different missions. Some prefer to practice their religious beliefs in a private, contemplative manner while others choose to be active in the community, spreading their beliefs as activists. Traditionally, nuns spend the majority of their time inside the convent and those who are more active are instead referred to as sisters.
Apparently, I could not based on my personality be a nun per se, as they spend most of their time in silence, contemplating. As we all know, I would go promptly crazy with that. So I resign myself to being a Sister, allowing me to continue ahem commenting.
Step4Decide the area of work you would like to devote your time to by exploring the work done by different orders. Nuns perform a variety of jobs, including teaching and counseling, library studies, nursing, winemaking and political activism. While most nuns work directly within the community in which their convent is located, others choose to travel throughout the world to countries in need of aid.
Hey they have nuns that make wine! Sign me up! I can be the wine taster! mea culpa mea culpa!
Step5Live in a convent on a trial basis to decide if the religious life is for you. This is a process encouraged by most religious orders, since it is a period of serious contemplation about becoming a nun. Women in this situation, referred to as novices, are often allowed to continue their current jobs in the outside world while living in the convent. Generally, it is perfectly understandable and acceptable to choose not to become a nun after this period, so feel free to use this as a real learning experience without fear of making a commitment before you are completely sure.
I wonder if they have short-term leases, allow pets and have 24 hour maintenance? I wonder how much rent is, is it cheaper than my current apartment? What are the amenities of your typical convent, anyway? Again something to think about.
Step6Make vows of poverty and chastity after you officially decide to become a nun. Be aware that these vows are considered permanent and this decision is intended to be a lifelong commitment.
Vows of poverty: not a big stretch. I can groove with that. One less package of ramen noodle soup should make me suitably povertylishess. Chastity: also not a big tretch.....Nadie...Nunca...Nada!!!
Men: Amena's take
am going to wax poetic. So I have been contacted by a couple of guys from the online website. One of the b@stards admits, he was online because his fiance was not giving him enough attention. At least he was honest about it. But that brings up the question of how many of these bozos are doing the same thing. Seriously, have we as a society lost all friggin' comprehension of things like fidelity? I listened to this talk show this a.m. and these radio dj's were talking about an article that came out that said that women were more likely to forgive an affair than men were. Ok. Let's dissect that, shall we?
a) I happen to know someone who forgave her husband of an affair. Is she happy in her marriage? From an outsider's perspective, sure. But from a friend's perspective, when she calls me crying because her dumb@ss husband can't think with his big head, I have to wonder. She says she was always waiting for the shoe to drop. Even though he is her best friend, she, in the back of her mind, was waiting to be disappointed. Now, not getting into therapeutic issues that arise here, this really brings home the point: she may not have expected him to cheat, but she was certainly not surprised.
b) My second point: I think women are more likely to forgive an affair because and I know this is harsh, but let's call a spade a spade: we don't have high expections for our significant others. I.e. in general, we perceive them (men) to be stupid. Now don't get your panties all you married ladies in a twist. But think about it. Do you really, really think that your husbands, significant others etc. are really as smart as you emotionally? I know. I know. Big ole manhater comment. But heck, seriously, I think our society has gone way too far in accepting emotional mediocrity, behavioral mediocrity and mediorcrity in general. Nobody owns their own issues. It's always somebody else's fault. OOOOHHHHH this yanks my chain.
c) Of course, Married men may be the exception to the above-mentioned rule. But here is my take on that: married men are trained like monkeys. Like Pavlov's dog, married men have been trained to perform in a manner in accordance with their perceived reward: i.e. food, sex, power tools etc. The minute a wife get lax with training, the monkey reverts back to behavior only exhibited in the wild, i.e. sniffing randomn female butts.
Ok, now that was a manhater comment.
d) This is not to say they don't have their uses: changing the oil in the car, getting the cereal box from the top shelf, grunting at intruders. The obligatory procreation cycle. Just don't give them too much to think about. Seriously, I am not mad at all... Jack@sses.
Have a great day.
a) I happen to know someone who forgave her husband of an affair. Is she happy in her marriage? From an outsider's perspective, sure. But from a friend's perspective, when she calls me crying because her dumb@ss husband can't think with his big head, I have to wonder. She says she was always waiting for the shoe to drop. Even though he is her best friend, she, in the back of her mind, was waiting to be disappointed. Now, not getting into therapeutic issues that arise here, this really brings home the point: she may not have expected him to cheat, but she was certainly not surprised.
b) My second point: I think women are more likely to forgive an affair because and I know this is harsh, but let's call a spade a spade: we don't have high expections for our significant others. I.e. in general, we perceive them (men) to be stupid. Now don't get your panties all you married ladies in a twist. But think about it. Do you really, really think that your husbands, significant others etc. are really as smart as you emotionally? I know. I know. Big ole manhater comment. But heck, seriously, I think our society has gone way too far in accepting emotional mediocrity, behavioral mediocrity and mediorcrity in general. Nobody owns their own issues. It's always somebody else's fault. OOOOHHHHH this yanks my chain.
c) Of course, Married men may be the exception to the above-mentioned rule. But here is my take on that: married men are trained like monkeys. Like Pavlov's dog, married men have been trained to perform in a manner in accordance with their perceived reward: i.e. food, sex, power tools etc. The minute a wife get lax with training, the monkey reverts back to behavior only exhibited in the wild, i.e. sniffing randomn female butts.
Ok, now that was a manhater comment.
d) This is not to say they don't have their uses: changing the oil in the car, getting the cereal box from the top shelf, grunting at intruders. The obligatory procreation cycle. Just don't give them too much to think about. Seriously, I am not mad at all... Jack@sses.
Have a great day.
Amena's decidely unscientific take on the stock market.
It sucks.
But seriously, You all may be wondering why oh why, the market has lost 10+ percent, since Barack Obama's election.
Pondering this question, here are my thoughts.
A) Barack is perceived as pro-green, causing a humongous dumping of anything associated with fossil fuels. (This is actually true, not just conjecture).Course the green industry is not nearly big enough (IMO) to counterbalance massive sell-off.
B) The market trading floor is filled with greedy base-born, Republican stock trading Bastuhds.... Said greedy base-born dungheap Bastuhds have cranky pants on that McCain was not elected. Said Bastuds trading activity does not in anyway reflect economic activity, economic worries, issues etc of this country, and in fact reinforce the new 21st century reality of stock market movement: mooooh moooohh (weee there I go over the friggin cliff) mmmooooohhhh (oh crap, that was not supposed to be such a hard landing....splat). Collectively, the market equals one gigantic jack@ss.
C) Market movements is a normal market correction, i.e. normal sell-off after considerable market gains, and that once again the market and its movements have nothing to do with reality, and in fact simply likes round numbers. For example, market traders like bottoms and ceilings at whole numbers i.e. 9000, 9400 etc. 9000 may be a ceiling, or it may be a floor, depending on if we can break through it today. Again, no friggen correlation to reality.
D) Some combination of the above, seasoned by the fact that the market has this belief that Obama has magical powers to afffect market movement by simply breathing.
I really just wanted the opportunity to call Republicans base-born dung-hill Bastuhds. Have a great day!
But seriously, You all may be wondering why oh why, the market has lost 10+ percent, since Barack Obama's election.
Pondering this question, here are my thoughts.
A) Barack is perceived as pro-green, causing a humongous dumping of anything associated with fossil fuels. (This is actually true, not just conjecture).Course the green industry is not nearly big enough (IMO) to counterbalance massive sell-off.
B) The market trading floor is filled with greedy base-born, Republican stock trading Bastuhds.... Said greedy base-born dungheap Bastuhds have cranky pants on that McCain was not elected. Said Bastuds trading activity does not in anyway reflect economic activity, economic worries, issues etc of this country, and in fact reinforce the new 21st century reality of stock market movement: mooooh moooohh (weee there I go over the friggin cliff) mmmooooohhhh (oh crap, that was not supposed to be such a hard landing....splat). Collectively, the market equals one gigantic jack@ss.
C) Market movements is a normal market correction, i.e. normal sell-off after considerable market gains, and that once again the market and its movements have nothing to do with reality, and in fact simply likes round numbers. For example, market traders like bottoms and ceilings at whole numbers i.e. 9000, 9400 etc. 9000 may be a ceiling, or it may be a floor, depending on if we can break through it today. Again, no friggen correlation to reality.
D) Some combination of the above, seasoned by the fact that the market has this belief that Obama has magical powers to afffect market movement by simply breathing.
I really just wanted the opportunity to call Republicans base-born dung-hill Bastuhds. Have a great day!
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